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I just reread my entire livejournal. It's funny that most of it is me bitching about Arman and then he dies. I guess that's why I haven't written in here in forever. It just reminds me of him. It's been a year since he died already and his would be 21st birthday is coming up, so is mine. I haven't had a drink since Italy, but when I'm legal I'll drink on occasion. I miss him still, but I'm trying to just keep going. It's hard because I feel horrible for how I left things with him. After reading this journal it's clear we had a roller-coaster relationship but I didn't love him any less.
I've been with John for almost a year and a half now. He's my world. I love him so much and he has been nothing but wonderful, I guess that's another reason I haven't written in here. Nothing to complain about and that seems like all I use this journal for. My dad has also been sober for awhile now. I wonder if Arman dying was the boost he needed. Whatever the reason he decided to stop drinking, it's amazing. He's a completely different person and I'm still scared he's going to come home drunk one day, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed and it's been probably almost a year that he's been sober. He's so much fun, and I feel bad for ever saying I hated him. I never really did. Well I guess this is a little recap. I'm graduating a semester early, I'm doing my student teaching next semester down on Long Island, so this is my last semester up here at Geneseo, it's crazy. John's going off to graduate school next year, and who knows I might end up moving out to where ever he ends up. Life is crazy and I'm trying to keep a positive open mind.

This was a dream I suppose I had awhile ago and it was just saved from awhile ago so I figured i'd post it. I wish Arman and I got to be the friends we used to be before he died.
Dream: I had a dream that Arman didn't really die. He was okay. All I kept thinking was so happy I was that he was okay and that it didn't matter that he was talking to me about a girl he had sex with last night and I promised not to care about him having sex with all the other girls as long as he was alive. We went to like a dinner together and saw his mom and she was so happy to see us together again and we just talked and all I could think was that I was so happy he didn't die and now we finally had a chance to be the best friends we used to be. Then I woke up.
Current Mood:
missing him
Current Music:
You Really Got a Hold On Me -She and Him
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I'm going to California to see John, who's doing math research out there, on Wednesday! I couldn't be more excited, he makes me sooooooo happy. I haven't seen him once this summer so I know those 5 days are going to be the best yet. We're going to go to the San Diego Zoo, LA, see Fred Astaire's hand prints ahh! I'm so excited!I also made a scrapbook of my trip to Italy and plan on finishing it off with my trip to Cali, travel '09. I'll write more after my trip afterwards! I also had a terrible and strange dream a couple of nights ago but never posted it.
Dream:
I had the most horrible dream. I had a dream that my whole study abroad class was like in Italy but we were on like a zoomed out map version of it and we were mapping with a big pen the way home, and the water was frozen so we were walking on ice. Then the boys decided to start walking on the ocean when we had been staying close to the shore incase the water broke. We told them it was a bad idea but they ignored us and went out anyway. Then one of the guys, Charlie, fell into the water and everyone was screaming, and I decided I could save him. So I jump in and lift him out, but then while I'm trying to get out my head falls off. They reattach it to my body but I'm going to die anyway because my head was detached for so long. So I go home and I tell my mom and she is sad but understands and so I just tell her I just want to die and i get all these drugs so I don't have to feel anything anymore and I can just die. My dad is the only one who doesn't seem to get it and thinks I'm just doing all these drugs and I'm like "no I am going to die" and he's like "no you're not stop this right now." and I was like "No, my head was chopped off! I'm going to die!" I'm mad because he's not listening so I scream at my mom telling her to tell Daddy that I'm going to die because he's not listening. And then I got really sad because he wasn't understanding and I knew I was going to die and I just wanted him to know why before I did. Then I woke up crying. Horrible dream.
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I've been feeling good lately. Of course I have my bad moments but I'm getting there, at least here. Family just got here and seeing them and showing them around was awesome, I missed them terribly. I wish my dad could be here as well but he had to stay home and recover from his surgery, just means we'll have to come back here again. With my family here I feel more comfortable, and I've been getting closer with the girls here, we all really get along. These ladies are so much fun. I had my first drink since Arman died. It was strange but it's different here, it's legal and not in some gross frat basement. I feel better about it here. I don't know if I'll be okay drinking in Geneseo again but we'll see. I'm taking it slow. I miss my darling Katie, I wish she could get her ass out here and enjoy all this with me, I know she would.
John makes me so happy. He really is amazing and treats me better than I ever thought I deserved. He's wonderful. I desperately want to see him again and hopefully I'll see him soon enough when I visit him in Cali, of course I still have to make that reservation. He hates that I want him to wear glasses and yet he sent me this picture that makes my heart smile. I love him so much it makes my heart hurt.
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Tomorrow I get blessed by the Pope. Should be interesting. :D
Current Mood:
better
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I'm in Rome! This is something that is amazing and I should be so happy about. But I can't stop thinking about him. Why do I get to enjoy these things when he can't? His room mate freshman year who hated him in on the trip with me. When I saw him at the airport my heart sunk, now I have to see him everyday for class and it just makes me wonder. Why did it have to be Arman?
Italy is beautiful though, we've been doing a lot of walking, our apartment is right by the Vatican which is beautiful. I'm excited for my family to come visit soon because honestly I need someone I know to share this with. I speak a little Italian and it's helping, though most Italians speak English, so it's not very hard to communicate. It's only my third day here and I'm getting somewhat homesick. I miss being home but I know when I get home I'll miss being away from it. I think I might take a siesta (nap). I have some reading to do as well, getting back into the swing of classes is funny.
I really like the teachers and the class though, it's interesting so therefore not really a problem. It's sad that the day I come back from Italy, John leaves for California. But hopefully I'll get to visit him out there. I'll just need to save up some money. This will be my summer of traveling, which sounds great to me. I miss him terribly. This song that just came on makes me think of Arman, "I can't let go, no I can't let go of you, you're holding me back without even trying to, and it might not make sense to you or any of my friends, but somehow still you affect the things I do." Blah.
I'm in Italy I should be happy.
Current Mood:
confused confused
Current Music:
Can't Let Go- Landon Pigg
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Haven't been updating lately. Haven't felt like doing much at all lately. I basically nap and watch sex and the city. I've been trying to see John as often as possible due to the fact that we have until Friday to see each other and then I won't see him again until school starts. But I've just been feeling really crappy lately. I think it has to do with being home. Being home means reminders of Arman are everywhere. My room is covered in them, from stuffed animals, to letters, to his boxers, etc. I bought flowers to bring to his grave. I drove there, after getting lost and almost giving up, found the exact spot where they buried him, but couldn't find a tombstone that had his last name on it. Couldn't find anything. I ended up wandering the graveyard with flowers, crying and feeling even worse. I felt like I lost him all over again. I don't know when they'll get his tombstone but until then I can't imagine going back. I ended up just putting the flowers on some random persons grave.
I dream about him every night. I don't like talking to people about it because I feel weird, the only person I talk to is John but I feel bad because Arman was an ex. Oh well, on a more positive note I'm excited to go to Italy, change of scenery will be good for me. And when I come back I'll be working and therefore left with less time to just think. Thinking is what gets me in trouble. I've been using my Tumblr as my new livejournal, it's easier to post on due to the fact that it's mainly just pictures, but they sum up my emotions pretty well. ( http://shineonsunshine.tumblr.com/ ) When I come back, my mom wants to join a gym so I'll be doing that as well as maybe a dance class? I need things to occupy my time. I'll be hanging out with Katie hopefully often and simply getting used to the idea that this will be the first summer without Arman throwing pebbles at my window. I should call his parents. I just don't know what to say.
Current Mood:
numb numb
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Dream: I had two horrible dreams last night. The first was that I was pregnant and I was really excited to be pregnant. Then I had the baby and I decided my whole life was going to change and I wasn't ready for it. I realized I wasn't going to be able to do all the things I wanted to with a baby and so I started crying and telling my parents and they just told me it was too late.
My second dream was even weirder. I was on a train with some girl in my education class and she got off the train in Queens, where Arman lived. Apparently she's a nanny and she goes to Arman's house and sees his mother who is angry and she has little boy Arman sitting on the kitchen table and he's all beaten up. Then his mother tells the nanny that she has to shoot Arman and gives the nanny the gun. Then his mom leaves and the nanny puts the gun, resting it on his shoulder towards his head and tells him not to move because she doesn't want to kill him but has to make it look like she plans on it. She leaves the room and little Arman accidentally moves and the gun falls and the impact causes it go off and shoot and kills him. Then all of a sudden I see Arman, his age when he died, drifting in the ocean with a shark holding his legs in his mouth and a priest is drifting beside him, he tells Arman he needs to explain the whole story of his death in order to get the shark to let go. While Arman is explaining the story of the nanny and what not, the priest is somehow writing everything down and sending it out online. I'm in my dorm room reading all this and how Arman died. Then I see Arman again in the ocean but the shark has now let go of his legs and he's just drifting and I can see him drifting and I start sobbing and telling everyone we need to find him and that we need to get some boats out there to get him. And then he can somehow see this page of people that are grieving for him and he sees a picture of Katie's eye and is like "oh well at least Katie is grieving for me" and then I can see him doing this and I roll my eyes and I'm like "That is so like Arman, fake his own death just to see who cares about him." and I said this to my friend Jesse and he got mad at me when I said it and walked out. Then I woke up. When I woke up I had to remind myself that I saw Arman's body and that he's not simply drifting out at sea.
Current Mood:
sad sad
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is it bad that I'm not excited? I think the reason I really don't care is because it's scary. Being 20. I'm going to be older than Arman ever got to be and that kinda terrifies me. He was always older and I never thought that would stop being true. Honestly if I could just skip over my birthday I'd be happy with that. Luckily it's during the week so I won't be doing anything big. I don't want to be older than him, which is stupid because I will be even if I don't celebrate it. I miss him so much it's crazy.


Dream: I had a dream that Arman's parents sent out a invitation to his graduation and when I got it there was a huge picture of him on the front and my mom goes "oh no...they must have sent these out before he died." And I start sobbing. Then my mom tells my dad to just go smoke and then turns to me and my sister and goes, "Did you guys know Daddy smokes pot?" And I go "yes, I can't believe it!" and then my dad goes off to go smoke in my dorm and I start screaming at him to stop because there are fire alarms and I'm scared of getting trouble. Weird.
Current Mood:
blah blah
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I still cry a little everyday. I'm trying to be better...it's just hard. Arman's birthday is in 10 days and mine is in 20...I'm going to be older than him soon. That breaks my heart.
Current Mood:
sad sad
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Dream: I had a really intense dream where John had proposed to me and we were planning our wedding. I was trying to plan everything perfectly and my friend Katie got me some bread but it wasn't the kind I wanted at my wedding so I got really upset and started crying hardcore and we decided the only way to fix it would be to get the right bread which was at John's ex gf, Amy's, house. When we got there we looked in her fridge and she had like eyeballs and fingers in it (??) Then I was really grossed out so I wasl ike "okay, we got what we need, let's go before John comes in with his dad to get some stuff for our wedding. Then Katie threw an eyeball at me and I freaked out and was like "EW!" And then John showed up and was really mad and wanted to know why I was there messing up Amy's house. Then I was with my mom and she was like "Are you sure you want to get married? You're only 19" and I was like "yes, I love John, I'm really ready" but of course when I woke up I was like "whoa...19 is a little young to get married" Haha. It was an interesting dream :P
Current Mood:
loved loved
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Well Spring break is almost over. It was a rather uneventful one which I'm pretty happy about, I enjoy being able to do nothing but watch movies, eat and play the Sims. I did do a little homework and for that I'm proud. It's weird being home. Arman's things are everywhere...the stuffed animals he won me, like three bathing suits ha, a book I bought him as a joke, more of his socks (honestly with the collection of socks I have of his in my dorm and the ones here I don't understand how he had any at all). I also dream about him like it's my job, I'll explain some of those later on. I burned the letter I wrote him yesterday, it was really peaceful watching it burn and seeing all the ashes turn white and just fly away. I hope where ever you are you can read it.
I don't really want to go back to school, I just want to be able to see John on a more regular basis. He's really good to me, like better than anyone I've ever met. We celebrated our 5 months on Sunday. This summer might prove to be a true test of our relationship, with me going to Italy for the month of June and then him maybe going to California for the months of July and August ha. I love him so I really hope everything works out. My birthday is looming closer and that means I'm going to be getting my tattoo soon. I'm really going to do it. I love the design, I tried drawing it on my own body right now in the place I want it with permanent marker...stupid idea because it's a lot harder to draw on myself...upside down then I thought.
Life is good.

Dreams:
(A couple nights ago) I lived in this other universe where men were robots and many women shared one man. It was really weird because everything was very structured, like I couldn't walk around with asking a guard and stuff. Well my husband was Stabler (Law and Order SVU haha) and I shared him with a couple of girls, so one day I was eating M&M's and Stabler hadn't wanted any visitors for a couple of days. Then one of the girls asks for some of my M&M's and says she wants to give some to Stabler thinking they will cheer him up. So all the girls leave to attend to him and I ask to go for a walk. When I come back from my walk everyone is sobbing and I ask what happened and the head woman told me that Arman (who took the place of Stabler at this point) choked on the M&M's and died. I broke down and was sobbing uncontrollably in my dream and then I woke up.

(Last night) I dreamed that I was on an advertising company and we all had to make an ad for anything we wanted and film it. So me and two other people made an ad about the environment which was good but boring and I remember not liking the music we chose in the background. Then I was suddenly in this pool hanging out with a old friend of mine's mom. She kept saying how cute I was and how I have the best smile and face and stuff and then I swam over to a hut area and my sister was on the ground like convulsing. I looked at my mom and she said she had lung cancer and was dying. Since she was suffering my grandma put a blanket over her head to suffocate her and I just started screaming and crying. Then I woke up. Hmmm. Yeah I guess my mind is in a dark place lately.
Current Mood:
weird weird
Current Music:
I Never -Rilo Kiley
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